Something I Need (Katniss' Epiphany)
by the.uncloseted.nerd
Summary: This is a one-shot expansion of the very end of Mockingjay. "You love me. Real or not real?" I know that there have been a million and six versions of this, but I hope I brought something different to the table.


Fire.  
All I see is fire.  
And pain.  
All I feel is pain.

Not in the physical sense, although I know all too well how that feels. I've dealt with my fair share of fire and burning for a lifetime.  
No.  
This is pain is all in my head.

At this point, however, I wouldn't know the difference. It's strange how real nightmares feel at times.

As I look through the fire, I see her. My little duck. I see her shirt hanging out of her skirt like a tail. I see her blonde hair swaying in the flames. And worst, I see her arm. Reaching for me to save her. I reach myself but can never seem to get to her. I'm pushing. Pushing myself towards her but to no avail. I hear an ear-piercing scream and wake with a start. The pain in my throat confirms to me that it was my own screams I was hearing.

My breathing picks up rapidly as I realize that, even though this was a nightmare, the events that inspired it are all too real. Much like all of my nightmares.

I feel pressure around me, and I see him. His blue eyes look down on me with concern as I try to steady my breathing. His arms are helping with that. I don't know how I ever got through nights without them.

"Are you alright?" Peeta asks quietly, pulling me closer to him.

I take a deep breath and bury my face into his chest.

"No." I answer honestly.

He squeezes me harder and kisses the top of my head; a gesture that feels so comfortable and familiar, it makes me wonder how I ever doubted him.

It took time for us to get like this.

We had to fix ourselves first, but we helped each other during the process. We will never be completely whole again, with what we've both been through. But one thing that I know for sure is that he is what I need. What I've always needed.

Every time I think about it, I get angry with myself for taking so long to realize it.

I should have known from the time he threw me that bread that he would always be the one to save me. To make me laugh and to help me see that life doesn't have to be some dark and dreary place. To teach me that you can always find light if you look for it.

But darkness was all that I knew after my father died.

And I was blinded.  
I was blinded by thinking that love was a weakness. That it only brings you heartache because, from what I had seen, you always lose what you love. And I didn't think that I could stand to lose anything else that I loved.

I tried explaining this to Peeta once. It was one of the most terrifying nights of my life, but also one of the most important. It was the night he opened my eyes.

* * *

It was after he came and planted primroses in front of my house. For her. For the one person in my life who I knew I unconditionally loved.

I felt obligated to do something for him. Almost irritated by the thought because I knew that I will never be able to stop repaying the boy with the bread. Especially when he keeps doing things to remind me that life goes on, and it can be beautiful.

So I did the only thing that I could think of: I invited him over for dinner.

While we were eating the game that I had caught that day, everything felt awkward. Greasy Sae did her best to try to keep up a conversation with the two of us, but even she felt the effort was hopeless. After she left, we finished our meal in silence, only listening to the clanking of our dishes.

"Thank you for dinner." Peeta says politely as I start to clear the table.  
"You're welcome. But Sae made it. I just provided the meat." I reply in a monotone.  
"Well, the meat was the best part." Peeta says awkwardly while rising from the table.  
"Thank you for bringing the bread. That was my favorite part." I say just as awkwardly.  
I see him give a little half smile. "I was hoping you still liked my cheese buns."  
"You remember that?" I ask in shock.  
"There are little details that come back every now and then." His smile gets wider.

I smile myself, thinking back on the memories of lying in my bed, stuffing my face and licking the grease off my fingers while watching Peeta draw in my family's plant book. Also smiling because I'm relieved to know that Peeta is continuing to get better.

"Well, I should probably get home." Peeta says, interrupting my thoughts.  
I look at him, and he suddenly has a very serious look on his face.  
"So soon?" To my surprise, I don't want him to leave. It's nice having somebody here in the house with me.  
"Yeah. I…"

And that's when it happens. Peeta's body stiffens, and then starts to shake convulsively. He forces his eyes shut, grabs the back of the chair that he was sitting in and tries to steady himself. But it's no use. He starts muttering things under his breath and I know that he must be having an attack.

I haven't seen him like this since we were in the Capitol together. When we were fighting for our freedom. After we had been attacked by mutts. When he almost tried to…

I freeze.  
I don't know what to do.  
Should I try to comfort him? Do I dare touch him or let him hear my voice? I know that he could attack me at any moment and I don't want to provoke him.

Then I hear a voice inside my own head. It's Prim. And my mind takes me back to the cold, dark, underground world of District 13.

_"There's a chance that the old Peeta, the one who loves you, is still inside. Trying to get back to you. Don't give up on him."_

Remembering the sound of her voice hurts me to the point where I almost collapse on my kitchen floor. But I now know that I need to get Peeta through this. For Prim, at least.

_Don't give up on him. Don't give up on him._

I repeat this to myself over and over as I make my feet move closer to Peeta, still shaking and holding on the chair as if it's his lifeline.

I stand behind him for a moment, my heart pounding, still debating if this is the right decision. Even still, I find myself rubbing my hand across Peeta's back and he instantly stiffens again. This is the first time I've touched him in what feels like an eternity, and I can feel the heat of his body radiating onto my hand in a very familiar way. He doesn't immediately attack me, which I take as a good sign, and I wrap my arms tightly around him. We stay like this for a few moments, and I feel him slowly turning around to face me.

I look up at him and his eyes are still firmly shut, taking deep breaths in and out. I grab his face with both of my hands, and rub his cheeks with my thumbs.  
This has worked before. After the mutation attack. But only after…

I know what I have to do.

I raise myself on my toes so that my lips meet his. As he did before, he starts to shudder in response, not expecting it. But, this only lasts for a moment. He relaxes and, to my surprise, his lips press down harder on mine and I suddenly feel something wet on my face.  
They aren't from my eyes, however. I open my eyes to see quiet tears falling down onto Peeta's cheeks.

"I'm sorry." Peeta whispers as his eyes meet mine. His pupils contract and I can tell he has come back into reality.

"For what?" I ask him as I wipe the tears from his face. He has nothing to be sorry about. None of this is his fault. If anything, I'm the one who should be sorry. I'm the one who got him captured by the Capitol in the first place. I'm the one who keeps giving him false signals about my feelings for him. I'm the one who keeps hurting him. And as I continue to see him cry, I know this is true even more now.

"That you had to see me like that. I thought it was getting better. But I guess,…" he trails off. Embarrassed.

"No, Peeta. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I have to take a deep breath and look at the floor to prevent myself from breaking down. "I-I shouldn't have done that."

I feel his hand on my chin and he forces my face up so that I have to look at him.

"You saved me. As you always have. Don't ever be sorry for that."

I take a deep breath again in aggravation.

"Saved you? It's because of me that you have to deal with this. It's my fault! And I…" I'm not sure how to continue. "I-I just don't want to get the wrong idea." I finally get out.

Peeta gives me a confused look. "Katniss, how is any of this your fault?"

He still doesn't get it.

"I keep hurting you. Peeta! I keep hurting everybody!" I shout. _Even myself_. I think. "I'm the reason why you were tortured! I'm the reason why you can't tell if things are real or not real! Sometimes I don't even know myself." I stop, not really realizing what I'm saying.

I sigh.

"Why did you even come back?" I ask as I move over to the couch in my living room and put my head in my hands. I know that he didn't have to. He could have stayed in the Capitol, got a job in another district as baker. There are so many options. He could have been happy in a place that was far away from me.

I feel him sit beside me.  
"You never cease to confuse me." He says in response.

I look up at him with a confused look of my own and he starts to laugh a little. What in the world is so funny?

"Not even five minutes ago, I was standing in your kitchen, going through memories of you trying to kill me and convincing myself that they weren't real. I could have really hurt you. I've done it before…" he trails off again and gets a sad look on his face. No doubt remembering our first encounter after he arrived in District 13. I instinctively put my hand around my neck while the visions flash through my mind as well.  
"And you stand there talking about how you hurt me?" He says to me almost shouting.

I know he has a point. There was a time when I was scared for my life when he was around. When I thought he would never be the same Peeta again. But he's wrong. I do keep hurting him. Every day. I hurt him by leading him on, making him think that there could be future with us. I've been doing it for years now.

"You're wrong." Is all I say. He's about to protest when I put my finger to lips.  
I start to ramble.

"Listen. You're wrong. I have been hurting you. I've been hurting you for a long time now. And you probably don't remember most of it. And that's my fault! It's my fault that all of this happened. It's my fault that District 12 was destroyed. It's my fault that so many people died. It's my fault that you lost your family. And it's my fault that my sister is…" I can't finish the sentence because I break down into tears. I put my hands over my face and sob. I do have to admit, I've been having these thoughts for a while now, and it feels good to get them out. But that doesn't mean it hurts any less.

I feel Peeta's arms around me. It must be an instinctive reaction for him to hold me. I know that I should be cautious, given what just happened in my kitchen, but I can't let him go. It feels so incredibly good to feel someone give me comfort, to have some human contact. It's been so long since I've had that. Buttercup and I had a moment similar to this, but there is something about Peeta's arms that always seem to calm me down.

My tears come to a stop, and I stay there in Peeta's arms until my breathing becomes normal again. We stay there for a while. Just listening to each other's heartbeats and breathing patterns. It reminds of the times when he would come into my bed and we would just lie there, afraid to sleep, but also feeling safe in each other's arms.

That's when I realize I'm doing it again. I promptly stand up and head for the door to invite Peeta to leave. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep depending on him. He doesn't deserve that.  
I'm halfway to the door when I feel somebody grab my arm and turn me around. For a second, I think that Peeta may be having another attack and can't control it this time, but instead, I see a look on his face that is a combination of confusion and little bit of hurt.

"Why?" he asks. "Why do you always do that?"  
"Do what?" I ask defensively.  
"Push away anyone that could possibly care about you!" he sighs and makes sure that I'm looking at him the eye. "I may not remember everything that happened between us, but from what I do, I remember that anytime we tried to get close, anytime that it was real, you distanced yourself. Made sure that nothing further would happen."

I put my head down and stare at my feet. I don't know how to respond. I know he's right. It's why I never had friends in school. It's why I was never in relationship. I never let people in.

"It's too hard." I whisper.

He stays silent. Waiting for a further explanation.

I take a deep breath.

"It's too hard to let people in. It's to too hard to love someone or something. Because you're going to lose them. And it hurts too much when it happens."

Peeta walks towards me and puts his hands on my shoulders.

"Katniss…" he starts to say, but I pull myself away from his hands and stop him.

"No! Peeta, you know that I'm right. Look at us! Look at what we've lost! Real or not real?" I ask, starting a game that we haven't played in months.

He ponders that for a moment, most likely picturing each of his family members and thinking of how he will never see them again.

"Real. You're right." He says. "We have lost a lot. But look at what we've gained."

Gained? What could he possibly mean by that?

He must see the confusion on my face, because he continues,  
"We have freedom now, Katniss. Sure, maybe not from ourselves when thinking about the hell that we have gone through. We'll probably always be trapped by memories and visions of death, and blood, and pain. But, we can live now. We don't have to live life being told what we can and can't do. We don't have to worry about where we are going to get our next meal or how we're going to get through reaping day. We can live, Katniss. Live for ourselves. And everybody else can to. Real or not real?"

I stare at him and absorb the words that he just said. I've been so wrapped up in focusing on what I have been without, that I haven't even thought about the future. What is my future? Before I can come up with a response, Peeta grabs my face as I did to his, and looks at me deeply in my eyes.  
"And for me, it was all worth it." He then drops his hands and swiftly walks out my front door.

I stand there. Stunned and exhausted, contemplating Peeta's words and thinking about all that had happened in a short amount of time.

* * *

I didn't agree with Peeta at first. It wasn't worth it to me. But as I lay here now, next to Peeta as he is comforting me, I realize that we would have never had this. We would have never been able to be as we are now. Be ourselves to the fullest extent. Never would have been able to find ourselves. After two years, I realize Peeta was right. It was worth it.

I pull my face away from Peeta's chest and look at him in his eyes.

"Better?" He asks softly.

I nod, and continue to stare at his face.

"What?" He asks after a while.  
"It's-it's just that… you never answered my question."

The puzzled look on his face makes me smile.

"Why did you come back?" I ask.

He sighs and closes his eyes. Thinking deeply about the question.

"You." He simply says with his eyes still closed. "You, and a lot of other reasons. I was still very confused at that time. And I needed answers. About my life here in 12, and about what I had with you."

He opens his eyes and looks at me again.

"Why didn't you ever ask me?" I question. If he wanted answers about us, all that he had to do was ask me.  
"Because I came up with the answers on my own." He smiles.  
"And they are…?" I really do want to know.

He chuckles and sits us both up so that we face each other.

"I realized, after you told me, that you were terrified of losing things that you loved. Real or not real?"

Ah, so this again.

"Real." I say. But that was obvious.

"I also realized, that you had always cared about me, and that's why you couldn't love me. You couldn't stand to lose one more thing and feel the hurt of it. Especially when we were in the circumstances that we were in. There was also Gale, and the threats of Snow that stopped you as well. You thought that it was the Capitol's idea for us to be together, not your own. And if you agreed, then you were agreeing with the Capitol. And then, all hell broke loose. We went into another arena, and didn't see each other again until after I had been hijacked. Then there was a rebellion, and you never had the chance to think about what you wanted because everybody else was telling you."

He stops and studies my face. I must look absolutely shocked because he chuckles again.

"Real or not real?"

Real. Definitely real. But how could he know all of that? I didn't even know all of that.  
"Real." I whisper and he smiles, proud of himself for figuring me out.  
"But… wait." I continue, still dizzy from everything that Peeta had just said. "How-how did you know that?"

"Katniss," he says softly and places my hands into his. "I've been studying you since we were five years old. I'm bound to pick up on things."

I stare at our hands and consider that. I'm stunned when I realize that he knows me better than I know myself. And realizing that I never want to be apart from the these hands, and these arms, and these eyes, and these lips. My eyes travel to his face again.

"You know, I'm still terrified of losing everything I love." I say while looking at him.

He gently places his hand on my cheek and stares into my eyes.

"I'm not going anywhere."

As I look back at him, into his beautiful blue eyes that seem to be able to pierce my soul, I see it. I see the boy who threw me the bread. I see the boy who got me through our first arena. The boy who protected me from my nightmares each night on the train. Who vowed to keep me alive in our second arena and who refused to let me give up. The boy who continues to protect me and get me through each day, no matter how painful it is. And I see a man who will stay with me forever. Who will be there with me until the day I die. I see my… husband. I gulp as I think of the word. I never thought that I would have that. But I as stare at Peeta, I know that is who he is.: my future husband. And it doesn't scare me.

I place my hand on top of his and grab the other side of his face to pull him closer to me. We rarely kiss. We usually only use them to comfort each other. Not as a sign as love.

But this time is different. And he knows it too.

I lean in and softly kiss his lips. I feel him smile and I can't help but do the same. This feels so right.  
Our kisses continue and I feel that thing again, that hunger that overtook me in our cave and on our beach. The kisses continue to get deeper and slower and the warmth that started in my chest now spreads throughout my entire body.  
I know it's time when his kisses move from my mouth to my neck. I gasp when he reaches my collarbone.  
That seems to startle him. Both of us have never experienced this before.  
He looks at me with concern, but I grab his face and start kissing him again, letting him know that I am fine. I lie down and pull him on top of me, keeping the kisses going.

I'm nervous. Definitely. And I can tell that he is nervous too by the way his hands are shaking while he's moving them up and down my waist.

But we both want this.  
We _need_ this.  
So, we give in. And experience things well beyond what we knew were possible.

After, he holds me in his arms and kisses my forehead. His hand moves back to my face. He stares at me and whispers, "You love me. Real or not real?"

Again, I look into his penetrating blue eyes, and I know without a shadow of doubt.  
I love Peeta Mellark. I always have.

I kiss his palm and whisper back, "Real."

The smile on his face matches my own, and he leans down to kiss me again.

* * *

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